As much as I feel that I have prepared, I now feel as if I am just not ready. What if I am too selfish to be a good mama? How will I reconcile my feelings about “whiteness” when my child will be partly white? I feel like I am caught between letting go of so much of the old (breaking harmful cycles, letting go of shame, guilt, and pain) and embracing the new (feeling beautiful in my own skin, embracing unconditional love). I see it right out there on the horizon. I know that it doesn’t have to be a total departure from what was…but at the same time time, I can’t help but feel that I must remove myself as far as possible from many of my old ways and characteristics. I think of it like the story of Blind Bartimaeus. He asked for, pleaded for, screamed for the gift of sight and it was finally gifted to him…and when he received his gift, he threw off his robes. I feel the same way about this birthing process. I have been asking, pleading, screaming for in(sight) and guidance and it has come. So, I feel that I must fully embrace what information that I have received as a result. And yet, I feel so scared, so uncertain…so hesitant. Maybe it stems from the fear of losing my identity and becoming lost in the mere existence of my child. I don’t know…I just don’t know…but I will continue to remember the breath, the prayers, the humbling, the gentleness and the tenderness!

I felt that way for such a very long time…and then I found out that I was pregnant…I was shocked, scared, grateful…this very knowledge forced me to reinstate my own worth and the worth of my own body. This knowledge made me believe that I could heal…and then I had the miscarriage. This miscarriage was bloody, painful and had a duration of a few days. During this time, I felt that same numbness that I had first experienced all those years ago…encircle my very being. Here I was once again feeling like I was worth receiving a blessing like that only to have the realization that I wasn’t. Rationally I understand that miscarriages occur for a wide assortment of reasons, but I still felt that it was because my womb was “inhabitable”…like the frozen tundra. I began to shut my body off. I only took care of its basic needs. I didn’t love, nurture, or do any work on healing my mind or my body…I just existed…which most days was more than enough!

This worked for a few years after the miscarriage. It worked until I was ill and decided to go to my acupuncturist…she did some reiki on my body…and when she got to my womb…I saw all of this bright light exuding from her…it was not the dark color that I attribute to blood…it was the color of healing. I had refused to see my body as anything good for so long…but there it was, there was the light…regardless of how I felt, the light persisted to shine. After this experience, I realized that regardless of what has happened to me and my body, it was still a sacred gift from my God. I was still worthy…and in order for me to find the deliverance that I needed, I knew that I had to commit myself to truly healing…my mind, heart and body. I have been working on this for a few years now…with the foods that I eat, with my exercise, with my baths, by lotioning my body…from the crown to my toes, by giving myself permission to revel in the quiet moments, and by reconnecting to the source of all…my God!

I am pregnant now and although I have spent awhile now on working on me…every once in a while I still get triggered. During the first part of my pregnancy, I bled everyday…I would wake up in the morning and would go to the bathroom and there it would be. It was so very hard for me to have this visual reminder of so my past hurts everyday…however, it was because of this bleeding that I had the opportunity to see my child many times. I have been able to see it grow from an embryotic sac to the size of a bell pepper! This has been such an amazing journey. While watching this baby grown inside of me…I feel that I am being (re)born…I love much deeper than I was sure was possible…and not just my family, my partner, and friends…but also myself…my body…my used to be broken womb…Through my babies growth, I have truly found my own strength. It was if all the work that I had been doing individually on me and my body has culminated in this pregnancy. I have realized that it was the work that I had done on myself and for myself that enabled me to be (re)born…and so on Mother’s Day…I honor my own mother for always loving me, supporting me and seeing the God in me all those years when I could and wouldn’t…and I celebrate that the reality of my baby’s birth has brought about such a deep shift inside of me…I thank you Mother, I thank you God,  and I thank you little one!

I know that I have my own prejudices that have been socialized into me and I am working so hard to undo these…I have been working for years on this but now I have an extra incentive…it is not that I plan to rid myself of all prejudices by the time this little one is born…it is that I plan on digging deeper with the process, because I know that so much of what we are is what we see, what is modeled for us…I hope to be able to teach our child how to honor each person’s worth and light, including her/his own…but I know that I can not do this alone…or even with my partner…it must be a collective process…it must be through individuals, community, and places of worship…through the written word, revealing poetry, and piercing songs…it must be through Kriti’s poems on the immigrant experience, Alexis’ continuous love letters that both express the necessity to reach outward and give to others and to reach inward and give to ourselves, Theo’s internal drive to teach and learn simultaneously from all situations and all people, from Kai teaching us the true quintessential definition of humanity, to Kia who challenges us to look outside of this social construct of color and to connect on a spirit to spirit level, to Malcolm who keeps us awakening our slumbering souls with his touching pieces of art…to grandma who reaches out to all who ask…and to many who can’t and she truly loves them…even though they don’t look like her, have the same sexual identity as her, or come from the same place as her…there are so many examples of breaking through…and parting the waters…when I get too anxious over these things, I think about these people that I know and I remain inspired and motivated to continue believing and striving myself…and when this little one comes along, s(he) will be exposed to these people and communities and will be inspired as well!

I went to the doctor today to discuss the first trimester screening results. I knew that everything would be all clear but it was comforting to have that confirmed. The doctor listened to the heartbeat and said that I was probably having a girl…while this made my mother instantly happy…I was quite hesitant with a response. I have been so very concerned about having a girl. It’s not that I don’t believe that a blessing is a blessing…but I am concerned of having a girl that reminds me of myself. My mom says that I will have a girl because that will be the only way I will truly understand what I put her through. That is exactly what I am concerned about. I am worried that I will hinder this child from repeating the cycles that I have and that by doing so will take away from her necessary life experience(s)…that I will push too hard to see her excel in areas and ways that I have never been able to master…I am concerned that I will mold her into being more of my own vision than her own. I am not naive, I understand that we must undergo certain things in our lives to forge our character and our foundational core…but I just don’t want her to have to experience my same hurts, pains, and anguish. How does one hold up a mirror to themselves and not get triggered by what they see. It always seemed that I would have enough time to work through the things that I needed to before having a child…but like many things it simply doesn’t work that way…I know that this time before the delivery and deliverance needs to be spent working, preparing and reconciling.

I think that being aware of this concern is a good first step in not actualizing it. Hopefully, I will be able to find that right balance…because it always seems to come down to balance…and this little one is going to be a Libra…which is the balancer. I will pray on this and ask for wisdom from the guides…